I’ve got a big problem with Jon McGregor and I know that this isn’t gonna go down well with all of you bookie types because he’s one of them darlings of literature, but, seriously, he’s taking the piss in his new book. He’s written this story about a bunch of druggies and instead of making it sound dead exciting and fun like in Shameless and pointing out all the ace stuff people do when they don’t have a job like getting hammered and watching JK in the morning, he, well, he doesn’t really say anything. If he’d done some proper research and read Hunter S Thompson or William Burroughs he’d know that this genre is meant to be more upbeat. My advice Jon is quickly change the title to ‘Even the Staffies’ and get that three legged dog that follows one of the druggies around to to eat some pills and jump out a window like what Irvine Welsh does. It’ll be well funny then and it might even get made into a film.
Now I like Jon because he’s one of us from Hood town but I fink he might have been on drugs when he wrote the book because in his opening chapters he doesn’t even finish off his sentences, the lazy bastard. He just stops in mid-sentence and then starts harping on about something else, a bit like my nana when she tries to tell a story. Bless. But my nana has got an excuse because she’s an old biddy and that’s the kind of shit that biddies pull on you so you can’t get away, but he hasn’t got any excuse. Talk about taking the piss. If I buy a book at the very least I expect it to be finished. Imagine if you went into a shop and they tried to solt you a banana without a skin or you bought a chocolate éclair and it didn’t have any cream in it? You’d go mental wouldn’t you? And that’s what I did. I went absolutely mental at being ripped off and then I read some more and realised that he wanted me to feel like that because the lives of all the druggies in the book are mental. Bloody smart arse that - making the structure reflect the narrative, and there was me thinking he was being lazy.
What does worry me about Jon is his descriptions of the morgue. They’re so real that it’s a bit freaky. Makes you wonder what he’s been up to so I decided to do a bit of research to find out because if there’s weird guys hanging around morgues then I need to know about it to protect my kiddies. Apparently, Jon doesn’t write at home. He gets up at 9am each morning and goes to an office to write and finishes at 5pm. Now. Just. Hang. On. One. Minute. Surely the whole point of being a writer is that you don’t have to get up in the morning, what’s the point if you end up doing a 9-5 like the rest of us, well not me of course, but you get my point. Then it clicked. That’s what he’s been doing in the office. He’s been watching autopsy documentaries on 4OD and the iPlayer. You know, that one with the crazy German who wears the hat and gets all excited when he slices open bodies. So I ended up finding this book quite inspirational because I spend a lot of time watching stuff on the iPlayer which means I’m half way to becoming a writer!
And If I become a writer I can charge people ten pound to hear me read because that’s exactly what Jon is charging at the Broadway cinema which is like, loads. But then the Broadway is full of all them poncy types who carry around them silly brown leather man-bags and talk weirdly into their mobiles like they’re on the Apprentice. It seems a lot of money just to hear someone say ‘a man has died and we’re going to cremate him.’ But then when I thought about it I realised Jon’s being clever again. In the book a ‘ten bag’ is a £10 bag of heroin, and he’s saying just like his characters are addicted to drugs, these arty ponces are addicted to culture and will pay over the odds to satisfy their cravings. Think if I write a book I’ll call it 9 bar and make £450 each out of the dick heads.
9th March 2010
6.30pm, Broadway Cinema, Broad Street.
Jon Mcgregor in conversation with Ross Bradshaw.
Tickets from the Broadway Box Office, 0115 952 6611
Even the Dogs is available from Bloomsbury for £12.99
Now I like Jon because he’s one of us from Hood town but I fink he might have been on drugs when he wrote the book because in his opening chapters he doesn’t even finish off his sentences, the lazy bastard. He just stops in mid-sentence and then starts harping on about something else, a bit like my nana when she tries to tell a story. Bless. But my nana has got an excuse because she’s an old biddy and that’s the kind of shit that biddies pull on you so you can’t get away, but he hasn’t got any excuse. Talk about taking the piss. If I buy a book at the very least I expect it to be finished. Imagine if you went into a shop and they tried to solt you a banana without a skin or you bought a chocolate éclair and it didn’t have any cream in it? You’d go mental wouldn’t you? And that’s what I did. I went absolutely mental at being ripped off and then I read some more and realised that he wanted me to feel like that because the lives of all the druggies in the book are mental. Bloody smart arse that - making the structure reflect the narrative, and there was me thinking he was being lazy.
What does worry me about Jon is his descriptions of the morgue. They’re so real that it’s a bit freaky. Makes you wonder what he’s been up to so I decided to do a bit of research to find out because if there’s weird guys hanging around morgues then I need to know about it to protect my kiddies. Apparently, Jon doesn’t write at home. He gets up at 9am each morning and goes to an office to write and finishes at 5pm. Now. Just. Hang. On. One. Minute. Surely the whole point of being a writer is that you don’t have to get up in the morning, what’s the point if you end up doing a 9-5 like the rest of us, well not me of course, but you get my point. Then it clicked. That’s what he’s been doing in the office. He’s been watching autopsy documentaries on 4OD and the iPlayer. You know, that one with the crazy German who wears the hat and gets all excited when he slices open bodies. So I ended up finding this book quite inspirational because I spend a lot of time watching stuff on the iPlayer which means I’m half way to becoming a writer!
And If I become a writer I can charge people ten pound to hear me read because that’s exactly what Jon is charging at the Broadway cinema which is like, loads. But then the Broadway is full of all them poncy types who carry around them silly brown leather man-bags and talk weirdly into their mobiles like they’re on the Apprentice. It seems a lot of money just to hear someone say ‘a man has died and we’re going to cremate him.’ But then when I thought about it I realised Jon’s being clever again. In the book a ‘ten bag’ is a £10 bag of heroin, and he’s saying just like his characters are addicted to drugs, these arty ponces are addicted to culture and will pay over the odds to satisfy their cravings. Think if I write a book I’ll call it 9 bar and make £450 each out of the dick heads.
9th March 2010
6.30pm, Broadway Cinema, Broad Street.
Jon Mcgregor in conversation with Ross Bradshaw.
Tickets from the Broadway Box Office, 0115 952 6611
Even the Dogs is available from Bloomsbury for £12.99
His Broadway talk int really £10. It's the price of a film.
